Life doesn’t always go the way ‘we’ plan it. You see my man and I had plans…
Plans to travel, plans to serve the Lord together, plans to enjoy grandbabies, plans to
buy a beach house, plans to minister to married couples, plans to play pickleball, ride
bikes and workout together, plans to watch our children get married and thrive in
adulthood… We had lots of plans… Then in one day, without warning those plans were
shattered. Just like that, after almost 16 years of marriage and 19 years of loving my
man, he was gone.
The wake of the devastation of losing the love of my life was like nothing I’ve
ever experienced. I was utterly lost. I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t eat. I couldn’t concentrate. I
couldn’t remember things. All my relationships changed (a few became stronger, others
more distant). Every single aspect of my life changed. I learned how much of my identity
I wrapped up in my man. I completely lost it one day as I made chicken salad the way ‘I’
like it, because I hadn’t made it that way in almost 20 years! I had spent most of my life
as ‘Kevin’s wife’, not Beverly. Everything I did was out of love and adoration for him. It
wasn’t until he went to be with Jesus that I truly realized just how much.
My relationship with the Lord became almost non-existent. I was angry. He was
the only one who could have changed the outcome of that day, and despite my begging,
He did not. He took him from me anyway. I had served Him. I loved Him. I told other
people about Him. I washed feet in His name. I taught Sunday School. I led Bible
studies. I organized fundraisers to help His children. I was obedient at every call….and
He still took my soulmate without warning. I didn’t want to talk to Him. I walked away.
Several months later I decided to get away. I took our normal week vacation to
the beach. I sat on that beach alone and just watched the waves and listened to them
crash as the tears just flowed. Out of anger I began to talk to the Lord. I told Him how
mad I was and how disappointed I was…. I just absolutely unloaded!! And I heard Him
gently say “If I had told you when I sent Kevin to you, that you would only have 20 years
to spend with him, would you have still wanted him?”. Without hesitation I said, “Of
course I would!!” What kind of question was that? The Lord replied “Then why are you
so mad at me? I gave you exactly what you asked me for all those years ago…. true
love”. It was like time stood still as that truth sank in…. He was right… That realization
allowed me to begin talking to the Lord again. He was faithful to me, even though I
couldn’t see it.
Extreme love will one day equal extreme grief. I assumed my grief would come
as an 80- or 90-year-old, not a 45-year-old. Through my grief I have learned a lot about
myself, people around me and the Lord. We are all living this life with an end game –
Heaven. Why was I so mad that my man’s game was over? After all, he’s at the feet of
Jesus!!! If the Lord would have offered to bring him back to me, I’d say no…. There’s no
way I’d bring him back to this Earth, from Heaven. He’s won. He has his victory.
Life looks very different for me now. I am not the same person I was before…. I
am still on a journey to figure out who I am and what the Lord has in store for me…. I
am relying on Him each day to show me. I believe in His promise that He will use ALL
things (even bad or hard things) to work together for the good of those who believe in
Him (Romans 8:28).
My prayer for you is that you will take your hurt, your anger and your
disappointment to the Lord and allow Him to speak to you…. He can handle it. Whether
you feel it right now or not, the Lord is close to the broken hearted, He will rescue you
(Psalm 34:18).
~Beverly
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